As Chicago divorce attorneys, we understand that one of the most challenging aspects of ending a marriage is explaining the situation to the children. Divorce affects every member of the family, but how and what to communicate depends largely on a child’s age and level of understanding.
Parents often struggle to find the right words, fearing that honesty might cause harm or that withholding information might lead to confusion or resentment. The truth is that the law encourages stability and cooperation between parents, and effective communication plays a crucial role in protecting a child’s emotional well-being during and after divorce.
Under the Illinois Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage Act (750 ILCS 5/602.5 and 750 ILCS 5/602.7), courts consider the best interests of the child when determining parental responsibilities and parenting time. Judges often evaluate how each parent supports the child’s relationship with the other parent and the extent to which parents work together to minimize conflict. Thoughtful communication—especially when it comes to explaining the divorce—can demonstrate a parent’s commitment to those principles.
When handled carefully, age-appropriate conversations can reduce anxiety, prevent misunderstandings, and reinforce the sense that both parents will continue to provide love, guidance, and stability despite changes in the household.
Understanding What Children Need To Hear
Children do not need to know every detail about a divorce, but they do need reassurance and honesty. For young children, the focus should be on stability: who will take them to school, where they will sleep, and how both parents will remain involved in their lives. For older children and teenagers, conversations can include more context about changes in schedules or living arrangements, always framed in a way that avoids blame or anger.
A consistent message between parents helps reduce emotional strain. Both parents should communicate that the divorce is an adult decision and not the child’s fault. According to 750 ILCS 5/602.5(c)(2), one of the key factors the court considers in custody decisions is each parent’s ability to put the child’s needs first and foster a healthy co-parenting relationship. That process begins with communication that prioritizes reassurance, clarity, and consistency.
Conversations By Age Group
Young Children (Ages 3–7)
At this stage, children think in concrete terms. They may not understand why the separation is happening, but they can understand routines and reassurance. Keep messages simple and comforting: both parents love them and will continue caring for them. Avoid discussing legal or financial issues. Instead, focus on what will remain the same, such as bedtime stories, school, and friendships.
Older Children (Ages 8–12)
These children begin to understand complex emotions and may ask difficult questions. It is appropriate to acknowledge that the parents will no longer live together while emphasizing that the family will continue to function in two homes. Under Illinois law (750 ILCS 5/602.7(b)(1)), the court considers the child’s adjustment to home, school, and community. Keeping open communication helps preserve that adjustment and ensures that both parents support the child’s sense of normalcy.
Teenagers (Ages 13–18)
Teens may express anger, sadness, or even indifference. They are capable of understanding more details, but can become overwhelmed by adult-level conflict. Maintaining respect for the other parent and avoiding criticism is vital. Teenagers benefit from being included in discussions about practical matters—such as visitation schedules or school decisions—but parents must maintain authority and avoid putting the child in the middle.
When Communication Breaks Down
Sometimes, one parent may use conversations with the child to influence loyalty or undermine the other parent. This can lead to parental alienation, a behavior courts take seriously when evaluating custody arrangements. Under 750 ILCS 5/603.10, courts can modify parenting time or impose restrictions if a parent’s behavior harms the child’s relationship with the other parent.
When co-parenting communication becomes tense, professional help from a family counselor or mediator can restore balance and help parents develop strategies for cooperative communication.
Divorce Discussion Frequently Asked Questions
What Should Parents Avoid Saying To Children About Divorce?
Parents should never assign blame, speak negatively about the other parent, or share private legal details. Children should not be burdened with adult-level information such as financial disputes or accusations. Instead, parents should provide age-appropriate reassurance and maintain a neutral tone.
How Can Parents Communicate Effectively During The Divorce Process?
Parents should use calm, neutral language and avoid discussing disagreements in front of the child. Written communication tools, such as parenting apps, can help reduce tension and maintain records of schedules and decisions. Courts value parents who prioritize cooperative communication that benefits the child.
What If A Child Refuses To Visit One Parent?
Under 750 ILCS 5/602.10, parenting time is enforceable by court order. However, a child’s wishes can significantly influence decisions. Parents should work together to understand the underlying reasons for resistance and may benefit from counseling to support the child’s comfort and emotional health.
Can The Court Require Parents To Attend Counseling?
Yes. Under 750 ILCS 5/404.1, Illinois courts can require family or parenting education programs to help parents understand the emotional effects of divorce on children. These sessions are designed to reduce conflict and promote cooperative parenting.
What Role Does A Guardian Ad Litem Play In Illinois Divorce Cases?
A Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is a court-appointed attorney who investigates and reports on what is in the child’s best interest. The GAL may interview the child, parents, and others involved in the case before making recommendations to the court.
Can Parents Modify Parenting Plans As Children Grow?
Yes. Parenting plans are designed to evolve with changing needs. Under 750 ILCS 5/610.5, a parent can request modification if there is a substantial change in circumstances or if the change serves the child’s best interests.
How Do Illinois Courts Handle High-Conflict Co-Parenting Situations?
In high-conflict cases, courts may order mediation or appoint a parenting coordinator to facilitate communication and resolve disputes. Judges focus on minimizing emotional harm to the child and encouraging both parents to fulfill their responsibilities.
Protecting Children Through Responsible Communication
Michael C. Craven understands that divorce affects families on multiple levels, such as emotionally, legally, and financially. Honest, age-appropriate conversations help protect a child’s sense of security and can influence how the court views each parent’s ability to promote stability and cooperation.
For those facing divorce in Chicago or the surrounding area, Michael C. Craven provides skilled legal guidance and compassionate support through every stage of the process. Contact your Chicago divorce attorney today by calling (312) 621-5234 to schedule a free consultation. The firm proudly represents clients throughout the city of Chicago, Illinois, helping families rebuild with integrity and clarity.
